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[REPOST] April 2016

Note: Repost from my old blog, Eternal Memory of Lightwaves.

On my birthday early this month, I decided to have a personal solo retreat along the beautiful coast of California to Point Arena.  I spent two days relaxing by the ocean, visiting the lighthouse, trail running, retrospecting, and contemplating.  I was alone, yet I never felt more at peace.  I remember someone who told me that the ocean is like the mind, perfectly still.  I agree yet I differ.

The roaring waves, the tumultuous mind.
The stillness of the ocean, my soul.
And the depth under blue rippling tides
Is how much my heart could hold.

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The spectacular view of the coast leading to Point Arena and neighboring Manchester Beach is highly recommended for those seeking to travel the coast north of San Francisco and past Bodega Bay.  One of my favorite part of this small coastal town is a National Monument, Point Arena-Stornetta Public Lands. Experience scenic hiking or trail running on vast expanse of high cliffs right next to the waters!

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[REPOST] September 20

Note: Reblogged from 09/30/2015

Families are forever.

How do I begin? How can I even put to words what I have witnessed and experienced on this day, September 20th of this year, 2015.  I could tell you the low points of my life and say how hurt I was, but none compared to the pain that wretched through my heart and soul than losing the one most important person in my life. My most kind, compassionate, caring, and loving mother.

She was still producing tears as our family gathered around, crying, saying our goodbyes, and thanking her. I know in my heart she could hear us even when she could no longer open her eyes and speak due to the respiratory ventilator. I know in my heart what she would’ve said if she could. When we first learned she had Leukemia, she said her goodbyes to each of us and we had the opportunity to tell her how much she means to us and how much we love her. Even when it hurt then, we let her speak what she wanted to say. She told us that someday will come that she could no longer speak. Even this, she predicted, only it’s been too soon.

The ICU doctor told us that they have tried everything they can but she was severely septic all over. There was nothing else we could do but wait and continue talking to her. It was the hardest… and the heaviest feeling I’ve ever felt in my heart. I was the last person she saw the night prior and I can’t ever forget the way she gazed at me, as if committing my face into her memory. By past 3 pm the next day, I was holding her cold hand and looked on hopelessly as her vitals steadily drop on the monitor screen. My father and our family inevitably had to make the decision as a family… to turn off the machines and let her go peacefully. By 4:32 pm, everything went flat-lined.

She was one of a kind. I find comfort knowing that she lived such a meaningful life and loved by so many people. It hasn’t been easy for her and my father to raise four of us, their children. Our family has been through thick and thin and she has always been the cornerstone of our family, the source of our comfort and pillar of strength. She was a fine seamstress, dress designer,  a food caterer, cook, crafter, and singer. All of which she didn’t go to school for. She was a learner and when life gave her the rough times, she took the opportunity to learn new skills and develop her own natural talents. Above all, she was a loving wife, mother of four, and grandmother of two.

I find comfort knowing that I was blessed and fortunate to have such extraordinary mother who loved me so much and so true. I have witnessed time and again how compassionate, kind, caring and loving she was, not just to us but to other people as well. She was a great believer of her faith and always taught me her great values in life. Her good examples resonates with me and will continue on for the rest of my days. I will keep her light shining brightly in my heart and will someday pass that light to my future children.

I love my mother, Priscilla.

I love you mama and I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart… for everything you have done for me and our family. I thank you for having me as your daughter and for your undying love. I thank you for inspiring others including myself to have a fighting spirit and a gentle heart.

You will always be my inspiration and I will keep everything that you were, alive in my heart.

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[REPOST] AML 10/10/15

Note: Reblogged from 10/10/2015

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I haven’t talked about this topic much to anyone outside family. It’s been… a little over a month since my Ma was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia. A type of blood cancer. It’s been emotionally draining but she remains to be my inspiration to carry on and be strong. Work has kept me rather occupied and busy… and what little mental break I had was spent on someone I didn’t think I would ever be reconnected with. He’s always been timely, I notice. The rest of my free time, I poured towards visiting Ma at the hospital, providing whatever support I can.

When I had offdays, I went to relieve my Pa in the hospital, staying with her at nights. He never wanted to leave her side but we all worried about his own heart condition. On the other hand, we couldn’t leave her unattended. One, she needed the assistance with just about anything she needs to do. She couldn’t eat much due to vomiting and sores in her mouth, and she was too lethargic to transfer herself onto her bedside commode. Although there are nursing attendants present, I know very well how busy their job can be and I definitely understand. Two, she had all kinds of antibiotics, chemo, and other medicine that made her hallucinate when she dozes off. It got so much worse one night post-ICU when they gave her Ambien 10 mg to make her sleep, a double dose from what she initially had at the start of her confinement. She slept alright… just that she would try getting up in her sleep and say the most random things that made me laugh… such when she ordered Angelina Jolie to make her food. Then some which made me cry… such when she couldn’t recognize who I was.  At some point that night she slipped back into reality and found my hand and squeezed it so tight and told me she couldn’t take 2 doses of the medication. Deep within she’s aware, but the side effects were stronger. Her grip loosened and once again the hallucinations took over. I kept holding her and sobbed like a little child kneeling in front of her, head on her lap. I was furious, saddened, and demanding answers as to… why? Why her? Why cancer? She was nothing but a good human being. But it’s okay, I let myself cry because in the morning she won’t remember.


By the end of July, she’s nearly bald but her bone marrow biopsy showed promising signs of new healthy white blood cells. The chemo that they’ve given her through her central line worked but she continued on neutropenic diet and precautions as they monitored her blood and platelet counts closely. Often times, she had to get irradiated transfusions for both. As of a little over a week ago, she got discharged to home. Her neutrophils were elevated enough to fight most infections and everyone agreed that she’ll recover better and faster in home setting. These days, I drive her to her appointments when I’m available. The only concern is if she still needs to have bone marrow transplant. If the referral to see specialists in UC Davis gets approved, they will re-assess her condition and determine whether she needs it or not. Right now, we are thankful that she is back with us.

I will be forever grateful… to our family for being strong, caring, and loving towards one another. To the doctors, nurses, and nursing attendants who worked tirelessly with her and with us. The one time Ma had hemoptysis and SOB episode, she was rushed to the ICU. The nurses as I have witnessed were well trained, well prepared, well organized, and were genuinely concerned even for my Pa who was visibly shaken by the ordeal. Also very thankful for our relatives and family friends who showed their love and support day after day. For their thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes. I can’t thank everyone enough…

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[Dream] Clenched Fists in Fighting Gloves

NOTE: 11/13/2017
This was originally posted in my old deleted blog.  It was around a month after I started nursing school. I didn’t know the other significance of this dream until a little more than two years later when my mom was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia and passed away from complications of treatment and infections.

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Dreamt on 5/31/13

So I had a really spontaneous and crazy dream last night, lol.  I suppose it was long enough and had scene sequences that made enough sense to form some sort of story.

I’m with my mom in a car and she’s driving around (she never drove in real life btw) a typical looking residential sub-urb.  I’m just looking out the passenger window not really knowing where we’re heading.  Mom suddenly speaks but I could not piece together what she is trying to convey. She would utter something and the next phrase would be about something entirely different. She also seem to lose control of the vehicle and not knowing which pedal to step on so I instruct her to halt the car. It feels to me that she is having the typical symptoms of dementia.  I get out of the car and proceeds to take over the wheel. [/scene]

I’m in the car again. This time, I’m with my two brothers and my parents.  One of my brothers is driving the vehicle. It appears to me that we are looking for a new place to live. We have nowhere to go and we only have limited stash of cash with us. The place where we are looks like a refugee camp one might see in a desert place. Some tents are set-up a few ways up ahead and to the side are small box-shaped shelters made out of clay. The wind slightly blows dust and sand and the environment looks very dry.

We exit the car and make our way inside one of the boxed shelters. It is a two-story shelter but is only 8 x 12 feet area, enough room for us to lie down.  Everyone’s feeling our awful situation and there’s a heavy aura in the air. I find my mom sitting at the end of this confined space. It seems like her health situation has gotten worse and at this point, could not remember who the rest of her family are.

She is sitting quietly on a stool, hands on her lap, and staring blankly at the space before her. My heart breaks and for a moment, it feels so real. Suddenly, I feel a strong resolve and it consumes me. I move to squat in front of her at eye level. I cup her cheeks with both of my hands and gaze deeply into her eyes. I’m desperate to reach her as I begin to speak into her soul.

“Don’t worry mama.  I’m your daughter right?” I reassure her that I inherit her will to live and resolve problems whenever we are in dire situations.

“Just trust in me.”

With that, the landlord comes over to me and hands me a jersey that I instantly wear over my shirt.  He folds a handkerchief and ties it securely over my forehead. He whips out a pair of MMA style gloves (LOL) and ties my hands securely in them. He nods at me and points toward a huge modern glass building at the distance. Apparently, there’s a fighting competition in there and he nods at me, as if this is all the big moment we’ve all been waiting for. With that, I proceed to exit the clay shack with clenched fists in fighting gloves. [/scene]

Well, it’s got all key elements this week, namely the house moving, body combat and the studies all jumbled into one crazy dream.  I do however, believe that it tells me much more. It’s not to say that mom would develop dementia soon. I sure hope not! But part of this dream does remind me of the resolve I had to progress and move forward. Nursing studies was the result of that and it’s also true that part of why I took it is to make my mom proud. I can’t deny it here.  I have come to love my decision and knowing that my mom would also be delighted that I decided to pursue it is pretty much fulfilling for both of us.

Also, I believe that the moving forward aspect of this dream doesn’t only speak for my studies.  I feel like I’m ready to lead my life, to conquer my potentials and nurture self-growth in all aspect: physically, mentally and spiritually.  All I know and feel right now, is that I’m STRONG.

First Words

Hello, I decided to restart blogging here on wordpress after such a long time. This is a personal blogging about different adventures I suppose I have going on in my life including running, nursing, travel, and photography just to name a few. I am someone who recently relocated from California to Idaho and so far loving it here. Anyway, my website title is inspired by one of my favorite tracks by a music composer called Tenmon.