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[REPOST] April 2016

Note: Repost from my old blog, Eternal Memory of Lightwaves.

On my birthday early this month, I decided to have a personal solo retreat along the beautiful coast of California to Point Arena.  I spent two days relaxing by the ocean, visiting the lighthouse, trail running, retrospecting, and contemplating.  I was alone, yet I never felt more at peace.  I remember someone who told me that the ocean is like the mind, perfectly still.  I agree yet I differ.

The roaring waves, the tumultuous mind.
The stillness of the ocean, my soul.
And the depth under blue rippling tides
Is how much my heart could hold.

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The spectacular view of the coast leading to Point Arena and neighboring Manchester Beach is highly recommended for those seeking to travel the coast north of San Francisco and past Bodega Bay.  One of my favorite part of this small coastal town is a National Monument, Point Arena-Stornetta Public Lands. Experience scenic hiking or trail running on vast expanse of high cliffs right next to the waters!

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[REPOST] September 20

Note: Reblogged from 09/30/2015

Families are forever.

How do I begin? How can I even put to words what I have witnessed and experienced on this day, September 20th of this year, 2015.  I could tell you the low points of my life and say how hurt I was, but none compared to the pain that wretched through my heart and soul than losing the one most important person in my life. My most kind, compassionate, caring, and loving mother.

She was still producing tears as our family gathered around, crying, saying our goodbyes, and thanking her. I know in my heart she could hear us even when she could no longer open her eyes and speak due to the respiratory ventilator. I know in my heart what she would’ve said if she could. When we first learned she had Leukemia, she said her goodbyes to each of us and we had the opportunity to tell her how much she means to us and how much we love her. Even when it hurt then, we let her speak what she wanted to say. She told us that someday will come that she could no longer speak. Even this, she predicted, only it’s been too soon.

The ICU doctor told us that they have tried everything they can but she was severely septic all over. There was nothing else we could do but wait and continue talking to her. It was the hardest… and the heaviest feeling I’ve ever felt in my heart. I was the last person she saw the night prior and I can’t ever forget the way she gazed at me, as if committing my face into her memory. By past 3 pm the next day, I was holding her cold hand and looked on hopelessly as her vitals steadily drop on the monitor screen. My father and our family inevitably had to make the decision as a family… to turn off the machines and let her go peacefully. By 4:32 pm, everything went flat-lined.

She was one of a kind. I find comfort knowing that she lived such a meaningful life and loved by so many people. It hasn’t been easy for her and my father to raise four of us, their children. Our family has been through thick and thin and she has always been the cornerstone of our family, the source of our comfort and pillar of strength. She was a fine seamstress, dress designer,  a food caterer, cook, crafter, and singer. All of which she didn’t go to school for. She was a learner and when life gave her the rough times, she took the opportunity to learn new skills and develop her own natural talents. Above all, she was a loving wife, mother of four, and grandmother of two.

I find comfort knowing that I was blessed and fortunate to have such extraordinary mother who loved me so much and so true. I have witnessed time and again how compassionate, kind, caring and loving she was, not just to us but to other people as well. She was a great believer of her faith and always taught me her great values in life. Her good examples resonates with me and will continue on for the rest of my days. I will keep her light shining brightly in my heart and will someday pass that light to my future children.

I love my mother, Priscilla.

I love you mama and I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart… for everything you have done for me and our family. I thank you for having me as your daughter and for your undying love. I thank you for inspiring others including myself to have a fighting spirit and a gentle heart.

You will always be my inspiration and I will keep everything that you were, alive in my heart.

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[Dream] The Cosmos

NOTE:  This is by far one of the best lucid dream that I’ve experienced in terms of visuals and story. I had some control over it such as what I wanted to manifest in the dream. At first, it was hard to manipulate it because a few seconds into slipping in, everything felt so heavy, as though I was drowning. I’ve always hated this feeling as it was very similar to my nightmares from years ago. So usually, I’d will myself to wake up once I feel a sinister-like aura. This time though, I didn’t sense that kind of threat… so I gave in and everything went dark.

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Dreamt on 07/18/2014

I’m sinking. I know I am even though I couldn’t feel the wetness and coldness.  Is it safe? I don’t feel a dark aura, so it must be. I made it… wait, am I dead? No, I can’t be dead. I’m dreaming. I know I am.

“I want… I want to see the Universe.”

I open my eyes and there I am floating with my arms spread out to the sides, and my feet slightly apart and pointing toward the never-ending abyss. There is nothing but dark navy blue water around and the occasional bubbles that float from my mouth and nose.  After a while, I start to notice some glistening particles, slowly rising up and past me.  Huh, maybe I’m still sinking? Then it stays like that for a while.

“I want… I want to see the Space.”

As soon as I make this demand, I begin to sort of transcend upwards in a very fast motion. Not physically, not my body, but just my (semi) consciousness. Then there I am once again surrounded in pitch darkness, surrounded by and floating… with the glistening particles.

“Is this really the Space? Where are the galaxies, the stars…?”

Then something wonderful start happening.  I begin to hear music… like epic, glorious, space- orchestral music with choir. As the volume increases, I begin to sense something very big approaching from behind. I turn to look towards my side and it is this massive nebula that is green, yellow, and pink in color. Then another made a pass with varying colors. Pretty soon heavenly bodies of various kinds are flying past me in different direction. They move with the music, such celestial rhythm… the comet at the distance shedding its shell of crystal ice, the rotating galaxy decorated with many suns, and a few more glowing nebulas of different sizes and colors. It is simply a beautiful sight to behold.

“Then I start to wonder. Where is Earth?”

I try to scan the scene in front of me but couldn’t find it and so I decide to come down and touch down on a planet. Just as I start the descent, everything else sort of stop. The epic orchestra stops playing, the choir no longer singing, the celestial bodies sort of fade into the distance and then it’s dark again.

So I continue to float down to a planet… towards the ground and it was bare. There is nothing but orange and brown… sands and rocks. I scan around and it is dead. This doesn’t feel like Earth to me or that I’ve been here before. Feeling the urge to find out why, I have to ask.

“What happened here?”

Then it is as if time starts to go backwards but I remain on the same spot. It is as though the vision in front of me is rewinding itself. The sky begins to form heavy clouds and pretty soon, rain is pouring down. It shows a violent storm, thunder, and lightning. It continues in the background while in front of me, I can see a rotted desk, chairs, and other various things. Sand is lashing around the objects as time rewinds everything in this forsaken place. Once rotten, a new chair again… a new desk. Pretty soon there is a room, lightings, a few hanging plants, a new window, and outside a metropolis. The sky begins to clear and is now blue with pretty white clouds. As this is happening, music begins playing again… a reminiscent of a Coldplay pop-rock song. (Which is awesome btw lol)

Then there’s familiarity and the realization that once, a long long time ago, this has been Earth. This is Earth. I’m in it and this is home.

[Dream] Clenched Fists in Fighting Gloves

NOTE: 11/13/2017
This was originally posted in my old deleted blog.  It was around a month after I started nursing school. I didn’t know the other significance of this dream until a little more than two years later when my mom was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia and passed away from complications of treatment and infections.

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Dreamt on 5/31/13

So I had a really spontaneous and crazy dream last night, lol.  I suppose it was long enough and had scene sequences that made enough sense to form some sort of story.

I’m with my mom in a car and she’s driving around (she never drove in real life btw) a typical looking residential sub-urb.  I’m just looking out the passenger window not really knowing where we’re heading.  Mom suddenly speaks but I could not piece together what she is trying to convey. She would utter something and the next phrase would be about something entirely different. She also seem to lose control of the vehicle and not knowing which pedal to step on so I instruct her to halt the car. It feels to me that she is having the typical symptoms of dementia.  I get out of the car and proceeds to take over the wheel. [/scene]

I’m in the car again. This time, I’m with my two brothers and my parents.  One of my brothers is driving the vehicle. It appears to me that we are looking for a new place to live. We have nowhere to go and we only have limited stash of cash with us. The place where we are looks like a refugee camp one might see in a desert place. Some tents are set-up a few ways up ahead and to the side are small box-shaped shelters made out of clay. The wind slightly blows dust and sand and the environment looks very dry.

We exit the car and make our way inside one of the boxed shelters. It is a two-story shelter but is only 8 x 12 feet area, enough room for us to lie down.  Everyone’s feeling our awful situation and there’s a heavy aura in the air. I find my mom sitting at the end of this confined space. It seems like her health situation has gotten worse and at this point, could not remember who the rest of her family are.

She is sitting quietly on a stool, hands on her lap, and staring blankly at the space before her. My heart breaks and for a moment, it feels so real. Suddenly, I feel a strong resolve and it consumes me. I move to squat in front of her at eye level. I cup her cheeks with both of my hands and gaze deeply into her eyes. I’m desperate to reach her as I begin to speak into her soul.

“Don’t worry mama.  I’m your daughter right?” I reassure her that I inherit her will to live and resolve problems whenever we are in dire situations.

“Just trust in me.”

With that, the landlord comes over to me and hands me a jersey that I instantly wear over my shirt.  He folds a handkerchief and ties it securely over my forehead. He whips out a pair of MMA style gloves (LOL) and ties my hands securely in them. He nods at me and points toward a huge modern glass building at the distance. Apparently, there’s a fighting competition in there and he nods at me, as if this is all the big moment we’ve all been waiting for. With that, I proceed to exit the clay shack with clenched fists in fighting gloves. [/scene]

Well, it’s got all key elements this week, namely the house moving, body combat and the studies all jumbled into one crazy dream.  I do however, believe that it tells me much more. It’s not to say that mom would develop dementia soon. I sure hope not! But part of this dream does remind me of the resolve I had to progress and move forward. Nursing studies was the result of that and it’s also true that part of why I took it is to make my mom proud. I can’t deny it here.  I have come to love my decision and knowing that my mom would also be delighted that I decided to pursue it is pretty much fulfilling for both of us.

Also, I believe that the moving forward aspect of this dream doesn’t only speak for my studies.  I feel like I’m ready to lead my life, to conquer my potentials and nurture self-growth in all aspect: physically, mentally and spiritually.  All I know and feel right now, is that I’m STRONG.